Hardened

Sometimes I worry that God has a hardened heart. Sometimes I worry that God's heart is hard like mine. But this is emphatically not the case. He is so much better than I. But I see Him as having a hardened heart because I do.

I've always known that God is to be first in the life of a believer. In response to that, I harden my heart against those who would tempt me to love them more than God - my wife, my kids, etc. What does this look like? At times, I will decide to do what I think is right despite of their perceived or actual needs. In my mind, this is what leadership looks like - doing what is right despite the clamoring of the followers. After all, isn't that what Moses had to do for 40 years? But I think hardening my heart against those I love is a cheat. I think the right answer is to love God more, not to love others less. By loving others less, I am actually allowing myself to love God less and still put Him "first". And in reality, what I am doing is loving others less, loving God less, and loving myself more. I am trying to avoid the pain that would come from actually having to choose between the two.